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Put some water on it!

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College of Charleston

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- experimental

Put some water on it!

What to do with that condensation pool under your cup

Porter Conroy

9.25.17

It is a known fact that humans are made of water, among other bodily things. Humans use water for nearly any daily task and function. Here at the College of Charleston, we are no different. We have clubs for saving water, clubs for boating on water, and, once upon a time, we used to swim in a pool provided for us by the College! (Funny how times change).

In the midst of all this Hurricane drama, what with the flooding, storm surges, and injured trees, I couldn’t help but wonder: What are we really doing with all this water? Or, better yet, what aren’t we doing with all this water?

As I sipped on my sweaty Starbucks vanilla iced coffee with coconut milk, that’s when I noticed my genius working. My A-HA moment lay with the pool of water that surrounded my plastic coffee cup; byproduct of condensation; leftover sweat.

(Let it also be known that I was working on a paper surrounding Lynn Nottage’s Pulitzer Prize winning play, "Sweat").

What was this water doing?

Nothing, clearly. But then I started to think. I began to experiment a little bit. I even tasted some of it. Now, I have found solutions to your daily needs and problems that, scientifically, mathematically, and reassuringly can be proven, or disproven, by nature.

EYE MOISTURIZER
That table pond can get rid of those dark, saggy, crusty, sleep-deprived eye bags real quick. Just take your index and middle fingers, dip into your sweat pool, and gently dab under the eyes. In minutes, you will feel rejuvenated and fresher than ever, and ready to take on dollar-vodka night at Mynt. (Or nothing will happen, and you’ll go right back to festering over that essay you’ve procrastinated on). I personally am in touch with Rihanna and am hoping to have tubes of this sweat pool formula to go with her Fenty makeup collection – it should be available in select Sephora stores by Spring 2019*.

INSTANT HIGHLIGHT
By practicing the same method as with my eye moisturizer technique, dab the sweat pool liquid onto your cheekbones and let that face glow, mawma!

AQUATIC HOME
Do you have some skin cells that need a new place to stay? Well, why seek water-front property when you can simply have water-surface property! Simply peel off that sunburn from your latest trek from Harbor Walk, snip off that unsightly skin tag from your underarms, or remove that cancerous-looking mole from your temples with your pencil, and place on your sweat pool. It’s that easy! Your skin cells with thank you and live a happy two to three seconds in their paradise home.

WRITE A SONG
Many hip-hop artists include watery lyrics in their work, including “drip” and “squirt squirt,” so why not incorporate the poetics from hydration-nation underneath your beverage into your latest MySpace jam? You may not get the right word choice directly from your sweat pool, so you may just have to find a thesaurus for the right adjectives. Just know your drink has your back on this one!

INTERPRETIVE DANCE
Your drink’s sweat pool is actually pretty useless for this. But, by doing interpretive dance, you too can make your own sweat pool and hope that someone will use it for their advantage.

FORMULA SHEET
You know how, in that movie Arrival, the aliens communicated in a language through squirting ink into the air that coagulated into a circular mist, like a satanic snowflake? Well, you can get that same kind of language from your cup water! Take a sheet of paper and drip a little bit of the sweat pool onto a blank spot. Whenever, or if, it finishes drying, maybe you could say “Could you spare a light?” to an extraterrestrial being. (If you don’t have access to paper, you get 300 free prints at Addlestone Library – type the letter “A” onto a document on Microsoft Word and print that. No more, no less.). However, if you have trouble seeing your watermark, then maybe go see an eye doctor.

DESTROY YOUR ENEMIES
Take your ex boyfriend’s laptop and rub it into the sweat pool. Slowly. Mechanically. Then snap it in two and run. An Apple a day keeps the devil away!

As you can see, our Lorde and savior has given us a secret gift from our nourishing beverages. So why not get that Iced Pumpkin Peppermint Mocha Spiced Low-fat Latte and explore the options of your sweat pool! **


*Due to artistic differences, Rihanna and the author of this piece have decided to move past the eye formula for her line, and go separate ways.

**None of this works; please get back to work. And love yourself by not ordering that long-ass fake drink. If you do, comment below and tell me how much you hate me for doing that.